


If You Love Me (Let Me Go)

by Iwillforgetthislater



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 10:23:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8009983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iwillforgetthislater/pseuds/Iwillforgetthislater
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke and Lexa grew up together and started dating in high school before Clarke moved away. Two years later, Clarke comes back to attend college in the state where she grew up, only to find out that all of her old friends are attending the same school. And somehow, the school assigned Lexa as her roommate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic on ao3, I hope you like it. It's just a work in progress right now but let me know if you like it!

Clarke runs into Octavia first. Literally.

Her roommate was out when she arrived to drop off all of her stuff, but their side of the room is covered in suitcases and one of the beds is already all made up with what Clarke assumes is her roommates bedding. She dumps all of her stuff on the empty side of the room and heads out to go to orientation.

She's walking along a small path that lines the outside of a little field on her way, when she sees the shadow of what appears to be a football soaring towards her, accompanied with a loud yell of "Heads!" She manages to duck before the ball hits her but she can't avoid the girl running towards the ball. 

The stranger seems to realize Clarke's presence about two seconds before she crashes into her, but her momentum is too much and they both end up tumbling to the ground. The stranger manages to get on her feet first as Clarke lets out a laughing groan and pushes herself up on her elbows, accepting the hand that's offered to her.

"I am so sorry," the girl starts as soon as Clarke is on her feet, but whatever she was going to say next is lost as she recognizes the blonde girl she ran over. "Clarke?" She lets out a small gasp. "Clarke Griffin?"

Clarke eyes the girl for a moment before she recognizes her. "Octavia?"

"Holy shit!" Octavia yells, yanking Clarke into her arms and hugging her tight. The hug lasts for a few seconds before Octavia yells again, only this time she sounds angry. "Holy fucking shit!" She shoves Clarke out of her arms and glares at her. "Where the fuck have you been? It's been two fucking years since any of us have even heard a single 'hello'."

Clarke holds her hands up in surrender. "I'm sorry, O. I never should've cut you off."

Octavia laughs bitterly. "Have you seen Lexa yet? Does she know you're back?"

Clarke flinches at the mention of her ex, glancing at her feet. "No. Is she still here? I always assumed she'd get the hell out of D.C the first chance she got."

Octavia's glare seems to harden. "Is that why you came here? Because you figured it'd be the only place in the world you wouldn't have to worry about running into Lexa in? You just assumed that by coming here you could avoid owning up to what you did?"

Clarke shakes her head. "No. No, Octavia, I would never do that. I know what I did to you was wrong and I'm sorry. Is there any way you could forgive me?"

Octavia shakes her head, scoffing. "You really don't get it, do you?" She stares Clarke down for a few more seconds before saying "I forgave you a long time ago for what you did to me. But I haven't forgiven you for what you did to Lexa. And I'm not the one you need to apologize to."

Clarke's eyes burn with the threat of tears. "I never meant to hurt her." She tries weakly to defend herself but Octavia stops her.

"Whether you meant to or not, Lexa deserves an apology and an explanation. She deserves to know why you left her." Octavia shakes her head and moves to pick up the football. Once she has it, she stands in front of Clarke again. "I can't keep the boys waiting for much longer, we have to finish this up and get to orientation."

"Could I meet up with you there?" Clarke asks hopefully. "I don't know anyone else here."

Octavia shakes her head quickly. "No. You know a lot of people here, you just don't know they're here. I'm going to be sitting with Lexa and Raven, and orientation isn't exactly the best time to sit down and have a chat about all the reasons why you blew everyone off for two years."

Clarke nods slowly, trying to fight off her disappointment. She disappointed everyone for years so she figures this is deserved. "Well, I'll see you around then, I guess."

Octavia nods back. "If you want to talk to Lexa, I suggest Facebook. She doesn't use it much, but she has one. You could maybe message her on there." She hesitates for a moment before adding "Don't hurt her again, Clarke. That girl has gone through too much shit in her life."

"I know." Clarke agrees sadly. "Thanks, O."

Octavia shrugs. "Don't thank me yet. You've still got a hell of a lot of making up to do before anything is okay. I'll see you around, Clarke." 

The younger girl runs off without giving Clarke a chance to respond.

\------------------------------------------

Orientation goes by pretty uneventfully for the most part until the last few minutes. 

Clarke sits with some random group of people because they are the only ones with a few extra seats and time flies as they chat about their high school experiences. Once orientation actually starts, they're are a few icebreakers before they split off into groups for short tours, and then everyone meets up again for a quick (optional) dinner. 

Clarke decides to opt out of dinner and starts to leave after she gets the numbers of the few people that she clicked with during icebreakers.

Just before she reaches the door, she hears someone say her name. She turns around, ready to respond to whoever it is, when her ice blue eyes catch smoldering green and she freezes, all words caught in her throat and Lexa, Lexa, Lexa echoing in her head. She's sure that she looks something like a frightened rabbit but she can't find it in her to care as she sees Lexa start to walk towards her. She panics and let's out a choked "I'm sorry" before turning and sprinting outside.

\------------------------------------------  
She doesn't stop running until she reaches her dorm. She manages to slow to a walk as she navigates the halls and unlocks her door with shaky hands, practically slamming it shut behind her before she collapses on top of her unmade bed. She's breathing so hard and so fast that she thinks she might be hyperventilating, so she forces herself to take deep breaths until her breathing has calmed down mostly. 

She starts unpacking, mostly to keep her brain occupied, but also because she really needs to. She starts by unpacking her clothes and hanging them accordingly- it seems as though her roommate has already divided up the closet space in half. Then she unpacks all of her bathroom supplies and puts them all in the correct spots. 

Once she's finished unpacking everything, she breaks down all the boxes and pushes them between her bed and the wall for temporary storage and then pulls off the generic bedding from her bed and puts on her own camouflage sheets and comforter. She knows that most people would find them lame but she finds them comforting. (She definitely doesn't find them comforting because they remind her of the woods. And she definitely doesn't find the woods comforting because that's a certain someone's last name. Definitely not). To finish the look, she carefully places two framed photographs onto her nightstand. Before she can admire them properly, the door opens and she turns to make eye contact with her roommate.

A tense silence falls over the two of them before Clarke manages to say her roommates name. "Lexa?"

Lexa's eyes are smudged all over with runny mascara, making it look like she's been crying, and her green eyes are so openly wounded that they have Clarke flinching back. 

That doesn't last long before Lexa's expression hardens over. "Clarke." She says calmly. "I didn't expect to see you again."

Clarke stands up and approaches slowly. "Lexa, let me explain."

Lexa scoffs. "It didn't look like you wanted to explain much earlier when you were running away from me as if you thought I might murder you."

Clarke rolls her eyes. "Jesus, Lexa, I panicked, okay? I didn't expect to see you again after so long."

Anger creeps back into Lexa's expression. "Do you think I expected to see you?"

Clarke shakes her head. "No, it's been so long, neither of us could've known we would so each other again."

Lexa looks like she's ready to argue, but then she sets her jaw and nods tersely. "Right. Well, this is an... Unfortunate situation, but I'm sure we can manage to avoid each other for the most part."

Clarke narrows her eyes. "You can't really expect that we'll be able to stay completely separated from seeing each other?"

Lexa rolls her eyes in return. "Well, no, Clarke, that would be impossible. We do have to sleep in the same room after all. But I would like to avoid as much interaction as possible." She pauses for a second to think before her eyes light up. "In fact, I can even give you a copy of my schedule so you know exactly when I'll be in the room, and I'd appreciate it if you would try to be elsewhere during those times."

"This is absolutely ridiculous." Clarke scoffs. "We can't even attempt to be civil?"

Lexa chokes back a sound that is eerily similar to a growl before she clears her throat and simply states "Perhaps you should have thought of the effect of your actions before you made them." Her voice hardens even further before she adds "I'll be spending the rest of my evening elsewhere. Goodbye, Clarke."

\------------------------------------------

Clarke has around half an hour of peace before there is a pounding on her door. She lets out a loud groan, sliding off of her bed and stomping over to the door before throwing it open.

Raven Reyes stares her down from the other side of the door, dark eyes holding the threat (promise?) of an incoming rant. Clarke's ex best friend doesn't wait for an invitation to come in, shoving past Clarke and into the room without warning or apology. She spins around and waits for Clarke to close the door behind her before she begins.

"You." She growls. She sounds less like a human being and more like a wolf. Clarke would be lying if she said she wasn't terrified out of her mind.

"Raven, I get that you're mad but-." Clarke begins, but her sentence is cut off by the other girl.

Raven steps into Clarke's space, a finger poking harshly into Clarke's shoulder. "Oh, no, princess." She spits. "You don't get anything. You have no idea- no idea -how fucking infuriated I am." She's fuming, and she doesn't wait for a response before she's pacing and yelling again. "You don't have any idea how much pain you caused." Her eyes are burning with anger as she turns and grips Clarke's shoulders roughly. "I don't even care, really, about how much pain you caused me. And I know O doesn't care that much either but I sure as hell know that I will always care about how much pain you put Lexa through." She shakes Clarke, her eyes wild. "Do you know what you did to her?"

"I never meant to hurt her." Clarke whimpers. It's the only thing she can ever think to say when it comes to what she did to Lexa. She didn't mean to hurt her, but she knows she did.

"You didn't." Raven is practically snarling now.

Clarke shakes her head. "I.. I don't understand."

Raven lets out a long laugh, leaving Clarke's head reeling even more. What the hell is going on? "Of course you don't understand, Clarke. Of course you don't." Raven shakes her head, swallowing harshly. "I'm only telling you this because I know Lexa won't, and she's my best friend. I won't let you hurt her again, and you need to own up to what you did, but she's too fucking nice for her own good."

Clarke shakes her head another time. "I don't know what you're trying to say."

Raven takes a deep, steadying breath. "When you left, you broke Lexa's heart. You didn't just hurt her, you destroyed her. She cut everyone off and she became this shell of who she was." Raven sniffs, becoming slightly emotional, but her eyes still hold a sea of rage. "After about 6 months, Octavia and I finally got her to rejoin our friend group, and now, after about another year and a half, we've finally gotten the old Lexa back. But she has severe abandonment issues, and you being here has already started to affect her."

"What are you trying to say, Raven? Are you trying to make me feel worse about this? I feel awful." Clarke swallows harshly. "I loved her, Raven. Do you think it was easy for me? To let her go?"

Raven scoffs. "You should feel fucking gutted, Clarke. Maybe you loved her. And maybe letting her go hurt you. But at least you had a fucking choice. You didn't even give her that. You didn't even fucking explain it to her."

Tears well up in Clarke's eyes. "I wanted to, I just couldn't figure out how. I wanted to explain everything. I still want to."

Raven's anger flares again. "No." She jabs a finger towards Clarke before balling her hands into fists. "That's what I came here to say most of all. You need to stay the hell away from Lexa. Don't touch her, don't talk to her, don't look at her. Hell, don't even breathe in her fucking direction, Griffin. Pay attention to her schedule and give her a copy of yours and stay the hell away from my best friend."

Raven doesn't wait for a response, shoving past Clarke and slamming the door behind her on her way out, leaving no evidence that she was there apart from the tears that spill down Clarke's cheeks.


	2. September Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a short update so I don't keep you waiting too long
> 
> Before anyone gets confused, in this story Aden is FtM Transgender

September

It's two weeks later when Aden comes to visit. His gentle knock on the door both surprises and relaxes Clarke, seeing as she's been so used to the door being pounded on harshly lately, and she opens it without checking who it is.

When Clarke sees him, her breath catches in her throat, and she barely manages a weak smile. "Aden... Hey." It seems pitiful, that those are the only words she can seem to manage right now. But she wasn't prepared to see him- or, quite frankly, any of the other people from her past that she has been seeing lately -and she can't look at him without seeing his sister. 

He looks so strikingly similar to Lexa that he threatens to break something irreparable inside of Clarke. Especially when he smiles warmly at her just like Lexa used to, and asks gently if he can come in. His voice is much deeper than she remembers, which brings her a hint of happiness. His transition must be going well.

Clarke swallows harshly, and if he notices the way her throat bobs, he doesn't say anything. "Um, actually, Lexa isn't here right now, Aden."

His smile turns slightly quizzical before he lets out a soft chuckle, understanding dawning on him. "I'm actually here to see you, Clarke."

Clarke hesitates, clearly surprised by his words, before she nods and steps aside to let him in. She takes a deep breath, closing the door and rubbing her hands together nervously. "Is this the part where you yell at me and tell me to stay the hell away from Lexa? Because if it is, there's no need. I've had plenty of people tell me that lately."

Aden frowns, shaking his head. "No, actually." His lips soften again, then lift slightly into a sympathetic smile. "That's not why I'm here."

Clarke nods slowly. "How have you been, Aden?"

His smile widens into a grin. "I've been doing great." He acknowledges, nodding his head slowly before gesturing to his chest. "I had top surgery done about six months ago. I finally feel like my body matches my identity."

Clarke finds herself grinning despite her current mood. "I'm so happy for you, Aden."

He thanks her softly, and then all pretense of small talk fades out as he simply states "You left us."

Clarke lets out a slow sigh, nodding her head and rubbing at her temples as she stares at Lexa's twin. "Why are you here, Aden?"

His mouth lifts slightly more to one side, leaving him with his and Lexa's signature smirk, though his eyes remain kind. "You don't beat around the bush much, do you Clarkey?"

She shrugs, rubbing at the back of her neck. "I guess some things never change."

Aden's smirk fades, his lips dropping into a solemn line. "No, I guess they don't."

Clarke sighs again. "Can I get you anything to drink? Something to eat?"

Aden rolls his eyes. "Oh, please, Clarke. Really? Do we really need to waste time on formalities?"

Clarke pinches the bridge of her nose. "Aden, it's really good to see you, honestly it is. But what is it that you came here for?"

Aden stares at her unflinchingly until she makes eye contact with him. Then, he shrugs, a slight movement that shows no warning of his next words. "You're still in love with her."

Clarke's breath catches in her throat. "I'm not." The denial is noticeably forced, barely making it through her lips before Aden is dismissing it.

"You are." He states simply, like it isn't life altering, though it is. "And the more time you deny it, the less time we have to talk about what you're going to do about it, before Lexa shows up and steals me for herself."

"What I'm going to do about it?" Clarke repeats. Aden simply nods. Clarke shakes her head again, opening and closing her mouth a few times before she begins to speak. "Hypothetically, if I still loved her-."

Aden smirks. "See, you do love her."

Clarke shoots him a glare. "Hypothetically." She repeats. "What is there to do? She wants nothing to do with me, and clearly no one else does either."

Aden slowly tilts his head before clearing his throat. "Look, Clarke, that's not how it is."

"Isn't it?" The look Clarke sends him is piercing but Aden stares back stubbornly.

"Maybe it is, Clarke, but I know for a fact that Lexa still loves you too. And she's not better off without you, no matter what anyone thinks." He lets out a long sigh. "I grew up with you. You're like my sister. Am I mad that you left? I'm furious. Do I agree that you fucked up? Hell yes." His eyes, though soft, have a steely determination. "Do I think you deserve to be exiled from our group and hated for a decision you made years ago? No fucking way." 

He takes a deep breath before continuing. "For some reason, everyone else has seemingly forgotten that you were once their family too. Everyone else has somehow blocked out the fact that you and Lexa have always been the best versions of yourselves when you're together. But I haven't."

Aden's gaze is unwavering. "Through all of it, the only thing that always comes back to me when I question the person I thought you were, is the way that you smiled at her when you thought no one was looking."

Clarke sucks in a breath. "Aden, I-."

He cuts her off before she can continue. "They may all refuse to acknowledge it now, but you loved Lexa, Clarke. I know that. And because I know that, I also know you wouldn't have left her without a reason. That's why I'm here."

Clarke swipes at her wet cheeks angrily. She doesn't know when she started crying but it doesn't matter now. "What does it matter why I left, Aden?" Clarke lets out a bitter laugh. "She hates me anyways."

Aden shakes his head. "She doesn't."

"Yes, she does." Clarke snaps. "She gave me a copy of her entire schedule to make sure that we don't run into each other more than necessary." The tears are building up again and Clarke rubs at her eyes in frustration.

"You love her." It's not a question.

"Like I've never loved anyone else." Clarke finally admits.

Aden nods. "Tell me why you left, Clarke."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be sure to leave kudos and comments if you like this, I love hearing from you!


End file.
